One of the many hats I wear is matchmaker, helping my clients find horses. That means a lot of reading sale ads, and over my years, I’ve developed a little dictionary, to translate into normal people speak. Here are a few of the entries. (And if you’re lacking a sense of humor, I’d stop reading, right now.)

Well-bred prospect for any discipline! = but not good at any of them. This is the branch of the family tree that needed to be pruned.

Hunter or dressage prospect = moves like a Dodge Dart but I’m hoping you won’t notice because Donnerhall is in it’s pedigree.

Competed to 3* but selling as a dressage horse = lame.

Competed to 3* but selling as a jumper = feral.

Competed to Second Level but selling as a hunter = fat, pretty and with hind legs so far out behind it couldn’t change clean if it’s life depended on it.

Competed to Second Level but selling as an eventer = feral.

Competed to 1.30 but selling as a dressage horse = lame AND slow.

Competed to 1.30 but selling as a hunter = lame, fat AND slow.

Competed as a hunter but selling as a dressage horse = clean up on aisle 4.

Has papers from the Friesian Heritage Horse Association = at least half Percheron.

Has papers from the International Dutch Harness Horse Association = at least half Standardbred.

This unexpected breeding… = goddamn 2-year-old colt jumped the fence and bred a lesson horse.

This unexpected line breeding… = goddamn 2-year-old colt jumped the fence and bred his sister.

Serious inquiries only = expensive.

To a loving home only = I’m going to email you every week to ask how Fluffy is doing.

To a competition home only = needs to stay in training or it’ll eat you

For the ambitious amateur, Jr/YR or pro = hope you have a half halt or you’re going to be paint on the train.

Many in-hand successes! = thank god it’s pretty, because it moves like a Jack Russell Terrier on linoleum.

Outgrown by his amateur owner = amateur owner found out having to kick every stride is a bummer.

Schooling First Level = leg yields are harrrrrd.

Schooling Third Level = changes are harrrrrd.

Schooling Fourth Level = First Level horse with a clean change that defies explanation, but will probably high-ho silver if you half halt.

Schooling Grand Prix = will jiggle out hacking when his buddy leaves.

Bombproof = hope you can kick really hard.

Athletic = hope you can pull really hard.

A Unicorn! = can’t afford it.

World Class! = either can’t afford it, or it trots for a 5, and the seller should probably spend more time on YouTube.

For those who’ve never been, south Florida is… gross. It’s warm and soggy all the time, there’s a lot of microbes in the soil, and land is a gajillion dollars so turnout is small and sandy. It’s a recipe for some challenges with my horses’ skin, and leg skin in general, being close to the ground, and often wearing boots while sweating. But ten winters down here has given me some tools. Here are my favorites right now.

1. A neoprene boot for working. I have been working with Veredus for many years, since Ellegria – who had the market cornered on weird leg and skin issues – went in the old Piaffe Evo boots successfully. They have a new dressage boot I’m eager to meet, but I work my guys in their TRC Vento Sport boots. (A note – I use them backwards, because they’re double Velcroed, and I prefer that the Velcro that pulls the boot snug goes from front to back, not back to front, which is how the boots are made.)

Why neoprene? They’re easy to CLEAN. I just hose them off after each ride, blasting them with the most powerful setting on my hose, and hang to dry. It gets the sand and the ick out, so it can’t linger and potentially grind up my horses’ skin when they work, like a fleece lined boot can.

2. Clean and dry. Good general policy, of course, but particularly in a tough climate, the leg has to be clean, and it has to be dry. I curry legs as part of the normal grooming process, and then once they’ve worked, they get hosed off, shampooed if need be, and then DRIED with a towel. If they’ve got a skin thing rolling, I really like Zephyr’s Garden’s Leave It Be shampoo, or if it’s really fungusy, a mixture of two different human acne products, one with Salicylic Acid, one with Benzoyl Peroxide. Make sure neither has anything scrubby in it like a microbead to further aggravate skin.

And dry, dry, dry. If I have a horse who goes in standing wraps (more on that in a moment!), I’ll apply baby powder to the leg before they get wrapped, to make sure that sucker is REALLY dry under the wraps.

3. Standing wraps from Winderen. I got sent some fun Winderen goodies to try, and was impressed by the quality of all, but I was SUUUUUPER impressed by their standing wrap. I was skeptical – everyone thinks they’ve built a better mousetrap, right? – but these guys really are quite cool. First, they’re thermoregulative, like products from other companies with ceramic fiber technology that we really like, but find to be either too poofy to be easy to wrap, or come in an “easy boot” that is easy, but doesn’t hold up to daily use.

They’ve also got a silver lining, and silver is anti microbial. Super happy news for Florida’s general funk level. And lastly, they’ve got a slightly slippery exterior, which means its easy for shavings to slide off them, rather than stick.

Puck, who is both giant and white legged, tends to get stocky when he doesn’t get turned out overnight (i.e. all winter long in Florida), so he lives in wraps overnight. I’ve had a pair of Quick Wraps from Back On Track for a while, and he just beats the crap out of them; we’ve gone through several pairs (and it’s not just Puck being a menace – other horses in my life have experienced the same thing). So the Winderen ones came, and while admittedly they were quite poofy on the first use, they quickly deflated to be manageable, and I’m hella impressed. They don’t slide around, they don’t get as dirty (and Puck is a pigpen, so that’s something), and I really do think that they keep his legs less stocky than the Back On Track product.

So there it is: clean, dry, and good support products. And of course, veterinary care if you have a real issue. But we’ve been able to keep most of the creepy cruddies at bay with a good grooming protocol, and the right gear for the job!

A few neat training metaphors I’ve either made up myself or shamelessly stolen from others. If I could draw, I’d draw these, but I can’t, so instead you get my words. Enjoy.

– a horse’s body is like a garden hose, with the power coming from the spigot that is the horse’s hind legs. Through training, the horse develops an increasingly sophisticated nozzle at the front that allows for the release of energy – water. A green horse just has a simple pressure nozzle at the front, with only one functionality; by the time a horse is a Grand Prix horse, he has a cone function, a jet function, a shower function, a mist function… you get it. But a fancy nozzle can’t make up for a horse who isn’t totally through, because that’s like a hole in the hose; it doesn’t matter how many cool functions there are for the release of energy if the water is sneaking out the middle of the hose.

– a horse should hold his head and neck like he’s peering off a cliff. He should arch his neck and back up and out, so he can see, but still keep his mass leaning a bit backwards, so he doesn’t fall on the forehand and out over the cliff.

– riding the piaffe should feel like you’re in a hallway full of doors, and there’s a stranger walking towards you. If all the doors are closed, your anxiety level goes up, because if the stranger means trouble, you have no way to flee. But if the doors are open, you’ve got an escape route, even if you don’t need it.

– the lower leg, ankle and spur on a trained horse don’t mean go; they means lift. So your lower leg wraps around him like Spanx, and draws his belly into his spine.

– a downward transition is like downshifting a manual transmission car. Just as you keep your foot on the accelerator, so you can go forward as soon as you shift gears, you should keep driving your horse forward even as you drop a gait. Going down gaits doesn’t mean slowing down; the gait should still think forward.

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I know it’s impolite to whine about the weather in South Florida right now, while the rest of the country is Ice Station Zero, but it’s really been quite hot in Wellington. Here’s a few products I can’t live without at the moment, when the high temperatures are keeping me and my horses sweaty and gross most of the day.

– my new OneK Avance CCS helmet. The science on the MIPS system is quite incredible, and they are dramatically safer. But other MIPS helmets I’ve tried have either looked big and bulky and absurd, or they’ve not fit well. My OneK CCs fits like a glove, and still looks neat and trim. The Avance model has a wide brim, to help keep the sun out of my eyes. And the CCS style means you can tart up your hat with some fun colors! Like all OneKs, this one has a removable liner, so you can wash it when your head gets stinky.

– Zephyr’s Garden Summer Spray Plus. Florida is… gross. Skin crud is a constant battle here, and the Ph of the apple cider vinegar, plus the herb blend in the summer spray, help keep my horses’ skin healthy and comfortable even in the icky, sweaty heat of Florida. It also smells great, and helps keep flies away.

– Romfh full grip breeches. I love a few different styles – the Isabella is high waisted, the Sarafina is medium waisted, and the Sarafina Bling is… well, sparkly, of course! But what they all have in common is the full grip seat, a silicone pattern, rather than the traditional full suede seat. The silicone provides the same grip as a traditional full seat, but in hot weather, I like the breathability of the silicone grip. It allows for better airflow… anywhere you might need air to flow. Just saying’.

– this cold brew coffee pot. I’m one of those people that sometimes needs a 1p wake up call, but hot coffee on a sweaty day is just not my favorite thing. This bad boy is my go-to, and if I use a flavored coffee, I can even do cold brew black, or close to black, because it’s just a little less bitter than traditionally brewed brew.

– my Roeckl Madrid gloves. I love all my Roeckl gloves, but in the heat, my Madrids are my favorites. They have a mesh-ier back, so they breathe a little better, and dry a little faster, than my other favorites, the Roeckl Grips.